Finding Time in the Breadline: some thoughts about relationships, sex, and time for folks living outside

A while back I was listening to a podcast where the guest, Kristen Ghodsee, who had recently written a NY Times Opinion piece entitled “Why Women Had Better Sex Under Socialism“, was talking about her research on personal life before the disillusionment of the Soviet Union and the fall of the Berlin Wall. Even if you disagree with some of the value judgements of the host or the guest, they make some really interesting observations about the nature of relationships, sexual or otherwise, in a cash-poor/time-rich society. And while the 1980’s Bulgaria and the streets of Portland in 2018 are by no means the same I think she has some interesting insights into the work we do and some of the lives of people we do it with.

One thing people [who lived in the Eastern Bloc] lament is the time and attention they had for their relationships, wether they be friendships or romantic relationships. Or even family connections, with your parents, with your children, with your siblings.

People had a lot more time, now of course it’s partly because the state was quite repressive, there wasn’t really a public sphere so people retreated to the private sphere…

A lot of people have talked about the fact that there was also nothing to do, in the sense that weren’t cinemas, you couldn’t go shopping, obviously there were no iPhones or iPads or internet back then, and so there were less sort of distractions. Personal life was something you really cherished because it was a way in which you entertained yourself.

…[I]n a Capitalist country where ‘Time is Money’ social relationships and romantic relationships have opportunity costs…there is a cost to spending time with your friends and your family as we all know, because we all live such busy, crazy, multi-tasking lives. I think it’s really interesting to imagine what social relationships are like when they are freed from these economic considerations, when the opportunity costs are very low…

It takes time to nurture relationships. We all know that. Those of us who have been in relationships…and those of us who have been in failed relationships also know that it’s something you have to make room for in your life. And I think that sometimes there is a contradiction

Folks getting lunch ready at St Stephen’s Episcopal. This is one of the most wonderful opportunities we get each week to sit down and get to know some of our friends. It’s a remarkable opportunity at least in part because we aren’t in charge of the food. We’re guests like everyone else.

What she’s describing seems to fairly accurately describe the way that stronger (or sometimes just more intense) relationships develop among some of friends who live outside. Many of our friends are in positions where the only resource that they have an abundance of is their time and so we see a lot of people who have built relationships in the way that really mirrors what Prof. Ghodsee is describing. But that sword cuts both ways. Once you’ve tasted the real thing going back to an imitation can be hard. Many of the folks we meet from week to week seem to take forever to even start making new friends, they’ve seen folks come and go, why would they expect us to be any different? And that, to me, seems to be a very reasonable question.

It’s also worth noting while some of our friends might feel time-rich, many (probably even most) do not, and for many, often the same people, the streets are a wildly unsafe space full of people who want to hurt them instead of people with whom they might make deep and meaningful relationships with. Many of our friends are perpetually exhausted (Jason and Melissa both talk about this starting at about in the below video at about 5:50 for about a minute) and for me this is why I always try and meet folks near somewhere serving a meal. No one should feel like they have to choose between lunch and me helping them with laundry or getting their driver’s license from the DMV.